Pardon the mild nudity but here is a photo shortly after having my son. If I ever needed a better reason to keep going it would be him.
Last night I had a dream.
It was kind of weird actually. I was in a great big black tent and there were makeup artists all around. Not sure why i’m there but I end up spotting this girl I knew from high school. She was standing with some other models(she’s a model now in real life too) and they were all wearing beautiful silver – practically glowing – dresses. She comes toward me, towering over with me with her 6-inch heels and says hi. She’s always been nice to me yet for some reason I feel small and I wish she never saw me. I manage to say a meek “hey…how are you?” and then mysteriously I trip. I grab her for support and we both go tumbling to the floor.
I’m embarrassed. We try to get up a couple more times and fall back down. The embarrassment grows. I want to get out of there so bad. what was i even doing here in the first place? My attempts at socializing with this woman who was taller, prettier and who probably had better things to do; ended with us both on the floor. I’m dragging her down. I’m not sure why this little trip to the floor is making me feel so bad but it is. I keep apologizing and I decide i’ll crawl out of there and make my escape but the girl stops me. When I look, she’s laughing but she looks at me and says
We just have to keep trying until we get it girl, it’s cool.
When I woke up this morning, that line in the dream stuck with me.
I’ve had this blog sitting around for a few years. Maybe once a year or more than that as of late, I come back and i sit there staring at the screen. I feel sad that i stopped.. and started and stopped again. I tell myself I’ll start again when the time is right and the cycle repeats year after year. You see my fear of failing again has managed to eat me whole. the thought of starting again and failing to surpass my past success terrifies me. In my mind, if i try again and it’s not perfect I’ll be embarrassing myself on a public platform. Just like how i embarrassed myself in my dream.
In my first year of college, I did great in my first semester and then failed my entire second one. I begged my program coordinator for another chance and i got it because he said my efforts showed that i still cared. Second year i did well again in September and when January rolled around I got pregnant. I got so consumed by my anxiety about being a mother that i couldn’t focus in school and i attended less and less. By the time mid-terms rolled around i had the lowest marks i ever had. My program coordinator (who is honestly a freaking saint) made a deal with me to drop my courses that semester and come back to school when i was ready. he would essentially “hold a spot” for me. I shouldn’t be this lucky.
Now I’m back in school with a wonderfully energetic little boy at home who’ll be 1 next week. Things are going good but sometimes I feel down because all of my classmates have graduated and are out there doing great things or back in school further their education while i struggle to complete mine.It’s even sometimes made me wonder if this is what im supposed to be doing. Maybe I need to give it up and settle for being average and living an average life because who am i fooling, I’m not cut out for this. If I was meant to be working in media or journalism I would be out there already killing it with my peers. not sitting at home writing 2nd year Humber Et Cetera stories.
But that dreamed helped me to sit down and think about my life and how I got here. I’ve been resilient all this time. I’ve screwed up already so many times, I’ve had setbacks, I’ve had times where I just didn’t give a F**k, But despite it all I’ve always managed to find a way back on my path towards my purpose.
There’s a reason why I keep going back to school to finish this program. There’s a reason why I keep coming back to look at this blog. There’s a reason why I had that dream last night.
We are where we are at this exact moment for a reason.Becoming a mother is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and will ever do. I was told when i had him my life would be over but it isn’t. I’m just getting started and seeing his beautiful face smiling at me everyday is all the motivation i need.I’ve been so lucky to have a supportive group of family, friends and a pretty awesome BF who happens to also be our son’s superstar dad. I owe it to my loved ones and most importantly to myself to keep working towards my goals.
Just because I tried and failed a few times doesn’t mean I should give up and neither should you. If you feel like giving up because things haven’t happened yet, don’t stop, your time is coming just keep working. And if you’re like me and your fear of failing has held you back from reaching for your biggest dreams. Do like what an old acquaintance just told me and close your eyes and take that leap of faith.
Say F it and do it anyway.
